Eat My Lavender Vanilla Honey Cake

This isn't about baking, but it also totally is.

I’ve never baked a cake from scratch, but With Love, Meghan made it look easy. And beautiful. So, I gave it a go. And, I now understand why baking is therapy. It might sound a little woo-woo, but the butter, flour, sugar, and egg mixture reminded me of my inner child healing journey.

Come for the recipe, stay for the oversharing—plus five life lessons.

“In Her Own Way”

In With Love, Meghan, she does everything in her own way. I love that phrase. I often remember it from John F. Kennedy Jr.’s beautiful words about his mother’s passing (because I was totally in love with him at the time):

“She did it in her own way and in her own terms.”

He was Camelot. Meghan Markle Sussex is actual royalty.

Some folks are free because they’ve never known constraints. Others had to learn how to break out of them.

Watching her bold career moves, I’ve often wondered about Meghan’s childhood. Did hers match mine? Growing up, I didn’t have a lot of agency. When I deviated from strict expectations, I was punished. Consequences were severe. Not spankings, mind you, beatings.

Thanks to therapy, I know that I didn’t deserve it.

Of course, I’m not the only person to encounter challenges. In life, we’re sometimes dealt crappy hands. That is what it is, and it’s not fair. In fact, some of you might be going through difficult times as you read this right now. Although I can’t change what happened to me when I was younger, as an adult, I’m better able to steer life choices—and avoid toxic people.

As I mentioned when I opened this letter, this isn’t about baking. And, yet, it totally is. Here’s what I learned from baking.

1. I’ve Learned to Reclaim Agency

Meghan’s cake. Let’s get into it.

First of all, I don’t even like citrus desserts. So, let’s start there. You might ask: “Well, then, why the hell did you make a Honey Lemon Cake?!” I didn’t really.

Meghan’s cake caught my eye because it’s pretty. I figured I’d make one just like it, without lemons. No, I’m not a baker. We’ve already covered that. So, I asked the internet for flavor pairing ideas.

Citrus is bitter. It doesn’t bring me joy. On the other hand, I love lavender, honey, and vanilla. They’re are all so fragrant, soft, and smooth. So, those were my winning picks. It’s okay to do things differently. It’s true: My way—or life, or cake—may not look like exactly like someone else’s. And, that’s okay. In ways big and small, I’ve learned to trust myself more: Tweak. Enhance. Adapt. Do. That’s agency.

2. I Strive to Give Myself—And Others—Options

📸: Netflix image of Meghan’s pretty little cake, and dainty little fingers.

I like how Meghan didn’t frost her cake’s edges. That said, in hosting, I want to make sure everyone has the opportunity to enjoy what they eat.

I had five different guests—10,000 different taste buds! Some folks like a little frosting, others want a lot. So, I kept things minimalist on the cake. Next to it, I placed little glass dishes filled with extra frosting and preserves. This way, my lovely guests could tap, dab, drizzle, or spread to their heart’s desires.

Every child, like every adult, deserves choices.

3. I’ve Moved Toward Generosity

Growing up in scarcity—in physical space, funds, love, or whatever—can trigger hoarding. Not only the stuff that I just mentioned, but even our very selves.

Earlier in my healing journey, I was so focused on surviving my own pain that I didn’t have room for others. I’d let them in, but only so much.

I needed to come first at all times. I’d spent several of my younger years watching out for myself—even when I thought adults around me were supposed to be doing that. That was their job. Some failed at it more spectacularly than others. So when I became an adult, I figured I’d already pulled enough weight. I wasn’t going to take care of anyone else.

Never forsake yourself. Yes, that’s an important lesson. Another one: Let others love you. People need people. Growing can include shutting people out if they don’t deserve access; it can also include learning how to let others in.

Back to the cake. I didn’t think Meghan’s would be big enough to feed six. I wanted to:

• give everyone giant slices,

• have enough for seconds,

• send leftovers home, and

• freeze slices to enjoy on my own at a later date—just for me.

I doubled Meghan’s recipe.

There’s enough love to give, and I deserve to receive.

4. I’ve Learned To Enjoy Imperfections

Of course, I messed things up. The frosting was a bit clunky. I have standard and immersion blenders—neither was the right tool. Without a mixer, I hand stirred everything. Plus, my cake’s bottom layer flattened.

There were a few other mishaps, too. But, it’s all good. Mistakes are how we learn—and, when I didn’t berate myself with negative self talk throughout the process, I knew that I already had.

Besides, the cake turned out fine. It was a hit with guests.

5. I Learned How to Make a Cake From Scratch

Okay, this last one is a bit like cheating. I’ve been learning and relearning the other lessons my entire life—we’re all growing, or at least we should be. The cake? I only learned how to make that from scratch last month.

If you’d like to try it, use my recipe—or, even better, do it in your own way.