I'm Dating Again 🎉

Lately, even more fully healed from the German, here's how I'm moving on.

📸 In one of my happy places—hiking along a beach in Portugal.

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I’ve been writing, teaching, and speaking about healthy relationships—plus sexual and reproductive health—for more than 20 years, since 2005.

If you’ve followed my journey for a while, you might remember the photos: matching bra and panty sets celebrating body positivity. Or, the blow-by-blows of my dates. The public processing, the transparency.

For privacy reasons, mine and my partners’, I’ve pivoted.

The Work: Where Personal Meets Professional

• My creative work focuses on dating & relationships from a sociological lens.

• My firm’s client-facing side supports progressive nonprofits and mission-aligned businesses. We help them scale their impact through data analytics and digital marketing services—it’s a good fit for my background in social analytics and statistics.

Whether we're taking about writing or professional consulting, it’s all rooted in the same tradition: it’s about connecting others authentically, for a shared greater good.

The Good: A Life I Love

On the love life front, I feel happily and deeply independent. At 50, I’ve navigated more than a few relationships, plus the life lessons, false starts, beautiful moments—and, of course, heartbreaks—that they bring.

I’m equally comfortable whether single or partnered. So, although I no longer write really specific details about my love life, I can’t help but notice all these articles about the male loneliness epidemic.

Loneliness, Framed as Masculine

I’ve noticed writers frame “masculine” loneliness as something that just happens and only to men. What if we used active language instead? What if we discussed it more openly, and explored it through a lens that includes gender, but doesn’t stay limited to it?

Strap in. Let’s do this. Together.

Emotional & Intimacy Trends

We’re experiencing “performative emotional growth.” Of course this isn’t restricted to single men over age 35, it’s just more socially for them to engage in it.

Whether they’re our brothers, fathers, friends, or lovers, I’m seeing more women ask the men in our lives:

• “Can you show up more fully?”

• “Can you share the emotional labor?”

• “Can you please meet me emotionally, instead of expecting me to come to you?”

And too often the response is, unfortunately, misunderstanding:

• Women ask for presence. Men read that as neediness.

• Women ask for reciprocity. Men assume we’re incomplete—or worse: we’ll somehow steal their autonomy.

But, really, regardless of anyone’s gender, who ever says:

“You’re being needy because you want honesty from me!”

No one. 😂

Instead, when asked for vulnerability, folks might reply:

“I want to answer that...”

Then silence. Or vague gestures that never offer clear emotional connection.

What Used to Work, Doesn’t Anymore

I have ADHD and I’m a visual thinker, so I like to explain patterns through structure. Here are four dimensions where I’m seeing the shift happening. Perhaps, more importantly, how we these shifts could lead us all to more fulfilling love lives:

It’s a lot to digest, so let’s break it down. (As an aside, please note, the column above that says “What It Should Be” is my personal guide. I encourage you to develop your own rubric.)

1. Emotional style

Vague platitudes, memes, and spiritual abstractions don’t always have to be deflections. But, they can be. When they don’t provide concrete clarity, they might be ways to hide from vulnerability.

Examples:

• Using zodiac signs or spiritual insights to avoid accountability

• Mentioning therapy without showing actual behavior change

• Quoting bell hooks, scripture, or a favorite therapist instead of engaging on a personal level

Here’s what I want to see shift:

Less talking about growth more demonstrating it.

Move from abstract language to concrete emotional clarity.

Stop curating a clean “facade” and start showing the world the your beautiful, messy, authentic self.

So, don’t just talk, do. Don’t just do, be authentic.

2. Relational style

Old model: “If you show up for me, then I’ll show up for you.”
New problem: People show up with window dressing, not substance.

What it looks like:

• Shut-up rings

• Social media posts that perform commitment but mask disconnection

• Ghosting 👀

What’s missing is the slow burn—the time it takes to build true emotional trust. It’s like we all want gourmet meals served in microwave time.

Real talk? I tend to rush through this stage. ADHD means my brain is wired to seek clarity fast. But I’m learning (and relearning) to slow down and ask:

Does this person deserve my trust, vulnerability, and care?

3. Connection model

We’re told to show up “as our whole selves”—but what does that even mean anymore?

Here’s how I’m defining it in my life (and expecting it from others):

Show up consistently. Be honest. Listen. Offer emotional presence.

Pattern recognition is my superpower, and I’m really good at it. But, because I know I’m uncomfortable with uncertainty, that usually leads to me trying and resolve relational ambiguity very quickly. I’m in lust with anxiety. For example, if something’s not going to work out, I’d rather know that sooner rather than later—so I tend to speed things up as soon as I see yellow or red flags. I’m learning to sit with it, to let things unfold.

Whenever someone can’t—or won’t—meet me where I am, that’s okay. Not everyone has to be my person. And, no one is perfect: self included. As the saying goes: I’m not looking for someone with no baggage—just baggage that goes well with mine.

4. Violence

So far, all of this has been about language. Let’s talk actions. To be clear, it’s never been enough to say you’re a “good guy” because you don’t beat women. Emotional violence is just as common, and often more damaging. It can look like:

• Ghosting (Yes, I’m listing this again. Because it’s so common.)

• Passive-aggressive manipulation

• Withholding affection or clarity

• Love-bombing followed by sudden withdrawal

Without true emotional accountability, people are saying:

“No, thanks. I’m good. Totally fine on my own.”

And that, folks, is why everyone seems to be talking about loneliness.

So, What Now? What’s Possible? Needed?

Here’s the good news: We can all choose to show up differently for each other.

We can do this differently. We don’t need others to complete us, we need them to meet us.

Yes, we have to be full, whole human beings. In my own life, that’s the fun part! I’m already living a life I love—and, in love, I know what I’m looking for:

• Emotional mutuality

• Honesty

• Presence

• Consistency

More real talk? Let’s stop pretending all single people are broken, or that all partnered people are healthy all the time. We’re all growing. Sometimes solo, sometimes with others in our beds.

So wherever you are—single, partnered, unsure—trust whatever you’re sensing. You deserve clarity. It’s one of the best compasses we’ve got.